it’s better if I get used to it

Sheetal just continued to glare at me as if I was a species of chimpanzees that somehow had managed to evolve into a human.

“Virat,” she said turning to her boyfriend who was sitting next to her but hadn’t taken part in the conversation yet. “Tell your roomie he’s an idiot.”

Virat looked lost in his thoughts. As if he was doing some serious deep thinking. “You ever wonder,” Virat said aloud after a while, “why Sachin Tendulkar keeps getting out in the 90’s.”

Sheetal looked as if she had just been hit by a truck. I started laughing. “What?” Sheetal asked after a while.

“I mean Sachin Tendulkar is regarded as the world’s greatest batsman,” Virat continued, “he strikes awe in opposition bowlers yet somehow when it comes to the nervous 90’s…”


“I know Virat,” Sheetal said cutting her off. “Are you even listening to us?”

“Oh-that whole ‘Rahul loves Anjali but is too gutless to tell her’ thing?”

“Yeah,” Sheetal said as I glared at Virat for calling me gutless.

“Yeah, I got bored after 5 minutes,” Virat said casually.

It was my time to say “What?”

“Exactly, you know,” Virat said, “what on earth is wrong with Sachin? I mean why can’t he just be the same batsman when he’s in the 90’s…”

“Virat,” sheetal said looking exasperated, “we are kind of discussing something important here.”

Virat looked as if he was hurt. “So am I,” he answered haughtily. “We are talking about Sachin Tendulkar here-the national icon, a demi-God…”

“Virat,” Sheetal shouted. “We know!”

Virat looked shocked as if he had no idea why he was being shouted upon like that. “You don’t have to yell you know?”

“Aaaarrrggghhhh,” Sheetal screamed. “Virat-you are so damn hopeless.”

My stomach was beginning to pain with laughter. Virat and Sheetal could crack you up any time, any moment. They were like an entertainment duo doing stand up comedy. And all for free.



“Oh sure-laugh all you want,” Sheetal said glaring at me.

“Now what did I do?” I said not knowing why she was getting angry at me.”

Mom and dad’s entry saved me from getting an outburst by Sheetal. She seemed all wound up, her nose flared and ready to spit fire. Thank God for mom and dad. Seeing the looks of confusion and condemnation on our faces, my dad reacted, “Wow! Looks like someone just died in here.”

I smiled. “What happened?” my mom asked. “Seems like there was a bit of stand off here.”

“Nothing aunty,” Sheetal answered. “I just realized that my best friend’s an idiot and my boy friend’s a bigger idiot.”

I and Virat looked at each other with ‘what does she think of herself?’ looks at her remark of us being idiots. I almost felt like laughing at Virat and saying, ‘she called you a bigger idiot.’ Yet somehow I contained myself

“Well-there’s nothing really new in that, is there?” my mom remarked.

“Thanks mom,” I said sarcastically.

Mom just smiled. “So what made you realize that they were idiots?” my mom asked turning back to Sheetal.

“Well-you have my boyfriend here who well-lets just leave him shall we?” Sheetal said.

Virat looked as if a thousand bricks had landed on him. He continued to glare angrily at Sheetal. I gave a half-laugh.

“On the other hand we have Rahul Agrawal, your son,” Sheetal said pointing towards me.

“Now let’s see-where should we begin. Oh yeah, Virat takes this beautiful girl called Anjali out on a casual date. There while walking back some goons pass comments on our lovely Anjali. And despite Anjali’s repeated pleadings to just ignore those goons, our hero Rahul can’t take it anymore after a point and beats them up. But the lady isn’t impressed. She’s angry that Rahul stooped to the level of those goons. She walks out on him and our Rahul, hurting from what Anjali just told him, gets hit on a bottle by the head. Now it’s our Anjali’s turn to feel guilty. She takes Rahul to hospital and as our dear Rahul lies unconscious for the next 48 hours, Anjali takes care of him and is unable to sleep-haunted by the sight of an unconscious Rahul. And after all this, after all the sobbing and the melodrama, Rahul announces that he and Anjali are ‘just friends.’ Jeez-this is worse than a hindi movie.” 

Sheetal finally finished her narration of the story. My mom was just waiting to burst out laughing. My dad was just staring at Sheetal blank-eyed. Virat had his mouth open. And I was just staring onto the ground trying to avoid meeting anyone’s eyes.

“You know, it’s not really like that,” I told Sheetal.

“It’s not?” Sheetal queried. “Then please, please tell me how it is.”

“I am afraid,” I finally admitted.

“Afraid of what?” Sheetal asked.

“Of hurting her,” I answered.

“Come again?”

“Look, that night I hurt her. For the first time,” I said, “and the look on her face, her tears-you have no idea how I felt. You had no idea how much it was hurting me to see her like that. And if I ever were to do that again, if I ever were to be the reason again for her crying, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. And that’s why I didn’t tell her that I lover. For if we get into a relationship and I do something to hurt her, then I won’t be able to forgive myself. That’s why I said I am not ready for a relationship with her just yet.” 

Sheetal didn’t answer. Probably she understood what I meant. Then mom came up to me and said, “you ever wondered that by not telling her you might be hurting her as well? Because as far as we know, she’s waiting for you. She knows just as you know, what the truth is, yet the fact that you wouldn’t admit it-that might be hurting her. Because she doesn’t know what you just said. And she might be thinking that there might be another reason why you are afraid. You ever thought about that?”

“I did,” I replied. “But I believe that she’s more capable of handling the fact that there’s something holding me back that me hurting her again by some other action of mine when we are in a relationship.”

My mom slowly roved her hand on my head and smiled. “You do what you think is best beta. There’s no point of hurrying into a relationship if you don’t think you are ready. So take your time.”

“Thanks mom,” I said smiling at her. 

“You know, I always wondered when I would get to see this day,” Sheetal said.

“Which day?” I asked.

“You know, Rahul Agarwal, getting all so candid and emotional about a girl,” she said smiling.

“Hey,” my mom replied, “my son isn’t that bad.”

Sheetal looked at mom and giving a little smile said, “We know that aunty. That’s why I said I always wondered when I would get too see this day and not if I would ever get too see this day. I always knew this day would come, just wasn’t sure when.”

She then walked over to me and giving me a small peck on the cheek said, “I am really glad that this day has come.”

“Me too,” I said giving her a small smile.

“Heyyyyy,” Virat drawled from the corner. We turned towards him. “You know,” he said looking at Sheetal, “you seem to be giving more pecks to Rahul than me,” Virat said.

We burst out laughing. Trust Virat to light up the atmosphere with just one statement.

“Ooooohhhh,” Sheetal said. “My chona is feeling left out, is he?” Her voice was became extremely child like as if Virat was a 5 year old kid who was upset and Sheetal was trying to make him smile.

“A bit,” Virat said looking down on the ground.

“Ooooohhhhh,” Sheetal said again in that patronizing tone “Let me give my chona a peck.”

Sheetal went over to Virat and pecked him on the lips. Virat smiled for a bit and then embarrassingly started looking at the ground rubbing his feet on it.

“Happy?” Sheetal asked.

“Yes,” he said still looking on the ground.

The door then opened and Anjali entered with a polythin packet in her hands. The polythin had plastic containers in it so I guessed there was food in them. “Lunch has arrived,” she announced on entering.

“For whom?” my dad asked surprised.

“For the patient,” Anjali replied laying the polythin on the table. I just started at her in disbelief. She had gone out to pack lunch for me.

“You didn’t go to college?” I asked

“College can wait,” she said opening the polythin and laying the containers on the table. “Besides, it’s not like I am going to fail or anything by bunking one day of lectures.”

I smiled. Anjali hardly bunked lectures and she had tried to stop me from bunking lectures as well. So for her to bunk an entire day of college, I knew it was a big thing.

“What did you get?” I asked now that the topic of why she had bunked college was over.

“Hmmm…..your favorite- undhiyu with butter naan,” she said winking at me.

Somewhere in the background Sheetal and Virat were laughing their heads off. I am sure they found this whole ‘girl bringing food for the boy’ thing very cheesy. I must admit I found it a bit cheesy too and was a little embarrassed especially with those 2 idiots laughing at the back but at the same time I was so happy she had made this sweet gesture.

I glared at virat angrily. Virat continued laughing and mouthed silently, imitating Anjali, “your favourtie-undhiyu and butter naan.” Sheetal by his said went into bouts of laughter as if she didn’t know how to contain herself. Those two were so dead.

Anjali put 3 spoonful of the undhiyu onto a plate and laid out one naan by the side of the plate and handed it over to me. I raised my hand and said, “ummm….these needles are not going to let me eat by myself you know.” As soon as I said this, my parents, Virat and Sheetal all started looking at each other as if thinking what to do next. Somehow I didn’t like the way they were looking at each other.

“Mom!” I said.

“Yes beta.”

“Ummm….can’t eat by myself,” I replied implying that she would have to feed me today.

Anjali turned back and held out the plate for mom. Mom looked at Anjali for a while and then said, ‘ummm…actually I have to go talk to the doctor about Rahul’s test results.”

“Now?” I asked in surprise.

“Yeah-he told me to come around this time,” she said and hurriedly walked out of the door. Once my mom left and I knew exactly what was going to happen. I knew why all of them were looking at each other when I said I can’t eat with my hands. ‘Evil people,’ I thought to myself. My own family and friends plotting against me.

So it was no surprise that when I turned towards dad, my dad just said, “I have to go get some medicines from the pharmacy” and immediately walked out.

Anjali turned back towards me and started smiling. She knew what was going on. And she didn’t mind. I just looked down on the ground embarrassed. But Anjali was somehow enjoying this. As if she wanted to play along. She now turned towards Sheetal just to see what excuse she would give. “Ummm…” sheetal said trying to think up an execuse, “I have class now,” she said and grabbing her back she headed for the exit as well. Anjali just kept smiling and didn’t say anything. This was getting more and more embarrassing for me. If they had actually planned to do this, then the least they could have done is come up with better excuses. Their excuses were so lame, Anjali could see right through them and hence putting me in an highly embarrassing situation. She didn’t even look at Virat. Virat all by himself came up to me and keeping a hand on my shoulders said, “I would love to feed you with my own hands buddy but I don’t want people to think that we are gay room mates.”

“Thanks,” I muttered as Virat followed Anjali out of the door.

Anjali again smiled at me. I tried meeting her eyes but I was too embarrassed to do that. ‘Damn my parents and friends,’ I said to myself.

“Looks like I’ll have to feed you know,” she said as if she didn’t know anything about what was happening here.

“Sorry,” was all I managed to say.

“For what?” she said. “Besides, I think it’s better if I get used to it.”

Was that a hint or was that a hint? What did she mean when she said it’s better if she gets used to it. Was she implying something by saying that or was that just another casual statement that she had said. It was hardly just another random statement that she had said but then she had said it so casually that I couldn’t be sure how serious she exactly was. She broke a piece of the naan and dipping it into the undhiyu; she brought it to my mouth and fed me. While taking a bite of that butter chicken I almost felt like kissing her hands. But once again I resisted. “Thanks,” I said after having my 1st bite. “As I said,” she said breaking another piece of the naan, “it’s better if I get used to it.”

This was definitely a hint. If ever there was a hint then that was one. My immediate impulse was to smile but I didn’t dare say anything else for I didn’t want to broach that topic again.

“You know,” she said after I had my 6th bite, “Virat’s excuse was the best. At least it was genuine.”

“You can try and stop embarrassing me you know,” I said.

“Oh come on,” she said giving me another bite of the undhiyu  and naan, “you know how much I love embarrassing you. I find it quite irresistible.”

“I am sure you do,” I said swallowing the food.

“Besides,” she said breaking a piece from the second naan now, “I thought it was kinda cute.”

“Cute?” I asked in surprise.

“Yeah-I mean come to think of it, it was so filmy. But then I am a sucker for romantic clichés.”

“I know that,” I said once again avoiding the conversation from veering off into the romantic angle.

After that neither of us said anything. I forgot that how embarrassing this situation was. All I remembered was that there was this girl in front of me who somehow, despite everything that had happened and despite directly seeing through the prank set up by my parents and friends, had still played along. She didn’t mind feeding me with her own and hands and had actually said that it’s better if she gets used to it. At that point of time, as she gave me every bite of that undhiyu , my heard would tell me to tell her everything. Tell her how I felt and how much I loved her. But my mind didn’t agree. And I resisted. Even though our love couldn’t be more obvious. Yet somehow we continued to act as if this was a completely platonic relationship. I wondered for how long we could go on acting like this. For how long was she going to wait for me?

When I had almost finished the second naan, Virat and Sheetal entered the room laughing uproariously. A nurse looked in to see where the commotion was coming from. She glared at Virat and Sheetal and both became silent immediately.

“Didn’t you have class?” I asked Sheetal.

“Oh yeah,” Sheetal said fumbling as she had forgotten her own excuse. “Yeah… but it got cancelled,” she finally managed to say.

“Hmmm….” I said pretending though it was obvious I knew it was a lie.

“That’s a cute sight,” she commented a few moments later.

“What?” I asked.

“This,” she said indicating towards Anjali feeding me. I almost smiled out of embarrassment once again.

Anjali didn’t dare look back at Sheetal. And in all this Sheetal just smiled wickedly at me. ‘Evil female,’ I thought to myself.

“Hey,” Virat said popping in again. He was looking at Sheetal. “What?” Sheetal asked responding to his strange stare.

“How come you never feed me?” Virat asked.

I looked at Anjali and smiled. She smiled back at me. I was sure Sheetal would have a very good reply to this query of Virat.

“Because,” she said looking straight at Virat, “you never get hit on the head by a bottle.”

Virat looked crestfallen as I and Anjali laughed at Sheetal’s reply. Anjali gave me the glass of water to drink and got up to wash her hands. As she was leaving, I mustered up all the strength my hand could give me and held her wrist. She turned back to look at me, not even trying to free her wrist. “Thanks,” I said looking into her eyes. She smiled. “I was just doing my duty,” she said. Our eyes met again and somewhere we could hear music playing in the background. On its own. I knew what she meant but I didn’t probe any further. The confession will have to wait. For the time being these small romantic gestures will have to do. I just hoped that I wouldn’t be too late. I let her wrists go. She continued standing there for a few seconds, without moving and just looking into my eyes. She then slowly moved away and walked to the corner of the room where the wash basin was. Sheetal came up to me and sat by my bed side. “You really love her, don’t you?” she asked.

I looked at Sheetal wondering what reply to give. Then easing myself into the bed and looking across at the figure of Anjali washing her hands I said, “I think you already know.”

I felt Anjali almost turn as if she had heard what I had said but then she continued washing her hands without looking back. Yet there was no doubt she had made a sudden movement. She knew-just as I did. And yet neither of us would admit it.

I was discharged from the hospital a week later, still in one piece and all hearty and fine. My parents left the same day, going back to their normal lives and as I went to drop them off at the airport,  Anjali insisted on coming along. I didn’t argue much for really what was there to argue about. As they went in for the check-in counter, my parents had their usual words of advice and dad insisted on me staying away from alcoholics of any sorts. Anjali said she would take care of that and somewhere behind my dad, my mom gave a brief smile. As we said our final good byes, Anjali touched their feet to seek their blessings prompting mom to give me one final piece of advice-‘Don’t let her go.’ I smiled and said I won’t.

Back in Manipal, it was time to catch up with the events of the one week that I had missed. Exams were not far away now and I had a lot of catching up to do in the studies department. Gathering notes from classmates, running around the department teachers to ask them on what I had missed in that one week, life was getting hectic this semester even before I had planned it to be. But before all this, before the madness of the exams began and before all of us 3rd year students got into the final battle to raise our GPA’ to be worthy enough for good placements, there was one very important assignment left. One that had me all confused and my mind completely boggled up. It was Anjali’s birthday next week and I had no idea of what I was going to do

“What are you lost about?” Sheetal asked while we were standing at frustu one day.

“Nothing,” I replied.

“Anjali’s birthday,” Virat promptly answered Sheetal while chewing on a packet of Lays.... 

“What?” he asked as I glared at him for bringing the topic up. “Oh come on,” he said, “it’s all over your notebooks and sheets on which you are supposed to do your assignment-Anjali’s birthday...10th Feb -in big black bold letters too.”

“Shut up,” I told Virat haughtily.

“Hmmm….” Sheetal said. “Anjali’s birthday huh?”

“You don’t have to hmmm about it,” I told her.

She laughed. “Yeah, you are right. What’s bothering you about it anyways?”

“I don’t know,” I said. “I want to make that day the best day of her life-just not sure how.”.... continued