All I want to do in this life is keep you happy

I was absolutely stunned. I looked at dad who I realized had lied to me. “You said you send her home,” I said reprimanding dad.

Dad came and saw down by my side. “Yeah, but if I had told you the truth, I wouldn’t have go to see this look on your face would I?” I just smiled back at dad.

I started getting up from the bed. I needed to se her. I wanted to see her. At this moment, knowing that she was just outside the room, waiting for me to come back to consciousness while sacrificing her own sleep and rest, I had to see her. It was the only thing that mattered. And nothing could hold me back.

Dad tried to stop me by holding me as I tried to get up from the bed. “You need rest son,” he told me. I just looked at him with a smile and he understood. More than rest I needed her. He loosened his hold but wasn’t yet sure if he should let me go. My mom then came close and keeping a hand on dad’s shoulder said, “Let him go. He needs to see her.” My dad smiled and slowly nodded. He then left me completely. I got up from the bed, put on a pair of slippers and tried to walk. My head ached. But it didn’t matter. Nothing did. For the girl I loved, the girl who hadn’t slept the last 2 days for me while I slept soundly was outside the door, waiting for me. I slowly walked to the door. Then just before opening the door I turned to look back at mom and dad. They smiled and nodded. I smiled back. And then, slowly, with the maximum power that my aching body could provide me, I opened the door and stepped outside.

She was sleeping. Her eyes closed, her body curled up like a new born baby sleeping in a cradle like there was nothing more comfortable in the world than that little cradle of hers. She seemed at peace as if she had just discovered how peaceful sleep was. Her angelic face shining as ever reminding the world that beauty still exists. In her-in the world around her. I slowly moved over to her bench, limping slightly as my head still ached. But the pain didn’t matter compared to the beauty in front of me. I bend down near her face and just kept looking at her. She seemed so peaceful, unaware of all the evils in this world.

“Anjali,” I whispered into her ears, loud enough for me to know that I wasn’t talking to myself and soft enough so as to not to disturb Anjali in her sleep, “I love you. And I want you to know how sorry I am for causing all the pain I did that night. But the fact remains that whatever I did and whatever I do from now on will be for you. I can’t imagine this life without you anymore. And I can’t stop loving you even if I try to. Your name is embedded in my heart forever now and even if anyone tries to remove it-all he would do is manage to scratch my heart but your name in it will always remain untouched. And that’s why I want you to know that I am sorry I hurt you. I love you so much, so much more than even my own heart understands, that to see you cry that day, to see those tears streaming down you eyes, I wanted to kill the person who did that to you. And the fact that that person was me, that I was the one responsible for those tears made me wish that my heart would stop beating before it could see you crying anymore.” 

There were tears in my eyes now. I felt so choked up saying all this but seeing her like that, sleeping so peacefully, reminded me just how much I loved her. Just how wasted my heart was because of her. Her body moved a little to the side as if a baby was turning its body during sleep to feel more comfortable. I smiled. Her hand fell down touching my face. I removed her hand slowly and held it in my hands. “All I want to do in this life is keep you happy. Whatever it takes. And if this means that I have to stay away from you, that I can’t see you anymore, then I am ready to pay that price as well. But I hope you will give me a second chance. Even thought I may not deserve it. But somewhere in you heart I hope I have made a small place for myself. And in that small space I hope you will find a reason to forgive me. To give me a second chance. For I have realized that I’ll always love you Anjali. Come what may. This wasted heart will always love you.” 

She moved slightly again. I felt so lost in her eyes, I wished there was a way I could stop loving her. But I knew there wasn’t. This was it. This was my love story. They say that there comes a phase in everyone’s life where they can compare the story of that phase to a movie. I guess this was it for me. Irrespective of how this story turned now, whether there was a happy or sad ending, this was the one story that would remain etched in my heart forever. And I was certain that life, with all its glorious uncertainties, could never match this story ever again.

I kept looking at Anjali for a while. The clock kept ticking but I never noticed the time that went by. I wished I could talk to her but then I didn’t want to disturb her in her sleep. She looked so beautiful in this sleep of hers, I could have kept looking at her forever. Talking to her could wait. Everything else in the world could wait. People kept passing by, giving me these half glances and half smiles but I didn’t mind or care for any of them. If being in love meant this, then so be it. Because I had never felt so much of warmth inside me before. I felt complete. I felt like I was in love. 

After a while I finally got up and slowly started walking back to my room. As I reached the door of my hospital room, I heard a voice from behind, calling out my name in that angelic voice that I had heard so many times before and could hear for the rest of my life. “Rahul,” she said. I turned to look around and saw Anjali, sitting on the bench, looking at me as if making sure it was indeed me. When I turned to look at her, she looked at me as if she wasn’t sure that this indeed was me. She wanted to confirm with her eyes that I had indeed risen back to consciousness and this half dead man in front of her was indeed Rahul-her Rahul. Then, a minute later, she came running and hugged me. I immediately felt the impact of her body touching mine. I felt a little bit of pain but there was so much warmth in her touch that not once did I mention that she was hurting me. She hugged me and cried uncontrollably. Initially her hug took me by surprise so I didn’t know how to react but slowly I folded my arms around her and held her in an embrace. I felt her tears on my shoulder but I let her cry fur a while because I knew she needed to. We stood there in the middle of the hallway, embracing each other with prying eyes staring at us but we didn’t care. They could look on all they wanted to.

“Rahul,” she said after a while, tears still streaming down her eyes. “I am so sorry. I am so sorry I left you that day. I am so sorry for everything that I said…” I took her arms off mine and looked at her as she apologized. “I am so sorry Rahul,” she said as I wiped those tears from her eyes. “I never meant to…” I kept my finger on her lips to stop her talking. “Sssshhhh, ssshhhh, ssshhhhh,” I said. She stopped talking. “Listen to me,” I said almost whispering to her. “You don’t have to be sorry about anything, ok? Whatever you said that day, it was true. I was the one in ignorance. I should have realized this a long time ago. And I am sorry that I didn’t. I am sorry to have hurt you as I did that night. In my ignorance I didn’t realize what all this meant to you. And I wish I could change all this now. But I can’t change the past. I can’t change what I have done. But what I can change is myself.” She looked at me as if she wasn’t sure she wanted to hear this. She tried to speak again but I silenced her again by closing her lips. “Sssshh,” I repeated.

“I hope so too,” I said smiling. “But I want to make sure that it never happens again. And for that I’ll change myself.” She looked at me, her eyes searching mine as if to confirm that I really did mean these words. She seemed unsure. “I’ll change myself for you. Because I want to be someone who’s good enough to be seen with you. And I don’t ever want people to think negative of you. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if that ever happened. Because you are so beautiful Anjali, not just from the outside, but from the inside too-you are such a beautiful human being Anjali, that if people thought ill of you and that too because of me, then I wouldn’t deserve your company. And for that reason, to be worthy of a person good enough to be seen with you, I want to change myself. Change myself for the better.”

I looked at her to gauge her reaction. She seemed surprised to say the least. And she didn’t look too convinced either. She seemed as if she didn’t believe what I had said. But that didn’t matter now. If she didn’t believe me now, then I’ll prove myself and make her believe. Or maybe she didn’t want to believe me.

“Rahul,” she began to say. “As grateful as I am for what you just said, I want you to know that whatever I said, I said out of impulse rather than what I felt. You don’t know how much I have regretted what I said in the last 2 days. Seeing you on that hospital bed everyday, knowing that this happened to you because of me…” she choked, tears now steaming down her eyes again, “you don’t know how I felt. I so wanted to, wanted to…wanted to let you know…” she stopped again unable to continue because the tears wouldn’t let her. I wish there was a way I could stop them. “But it made me realize one thing. That I have no right to judge you. That what you do in you life is your prerogative. What is important to me is our relationship. As long as you don’t do anything to hurt that, then it shouldn’t matter to me what you do. You are too important to me to let go of you just like that. You don’t have to change yourself because of me. You don’t have to be good enough to be seen with me Rahul. You already are.”

I was grateful for the words she said. But I had already taken the decision. Even if she said that I didn’t want to change myself, I knew I had to. I was done leading the life of the philandering Romeo. It was time to change myself. Because I had found the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. And there was no need for me to be the flirtatious Rahul anymore. I was done playing with other girls’ emotions. I had hurt them enough. And hurt myself in the process.

“I still want to change myself,” I said smiling at her.

“Why?” she asked unsure of the response.

“Because…because…” I hesitated. ‘Because I love you,’ I wanted to say. But once again doubts crept up my mind. Once again I wasn’t sure if this was the right time or the moment. I wasn’t sure if I deserved her yet. And unless I was good enough to deserve her, good enough to be worthy of her love, I was never going to say those words. Even if she said I was already good enough, I knew in my heart I wasn’t. Not yet. I wanted to be worthy of her. As a human being. And till that day my love would remain silent. In the hope that one day I’ll be worthy of her love. And her.

“Because you are my friend,” I said after a while.

“Friend?” she asked. She seemed unsure if this is what she wanted to hear. Or this is what I wanted to say. She looked into my eyes, searching for an answer and I could see that she wanted me to say those 3 words. Pleading me to say those 3 words. As if saying, ‘say it before its too late Rahul.’ But I couldn’t. Not yet.

“Yes. Friend. And the only one who has ever truly understood me. And I don’t ever want to lose you, Anjali. And I know that unless I change, I’ll always risk losing you. And I don’t ever want to risk losing you again. And for that I’ll change myself. For you. For us.”

For a moment I though I had given too much away. When I said for us, she looked at me as if waiting for me to say something more. Our eyes met and she saw the fear in me that maybe I had said too much. She understood. All of it. Everything. She understood what I was hiding. She understood that I loved her but I didn’t want to say it. In that one moment my eyes gave away everything. And the truth was no longer hidden. She knew it as I did, that I loved her and will always love her. Yet her eyes went into greater confusion now. She didn’t understand why I refused to say what was so clear to both of us now. She didn’t understand why I was afraid. She didn’t understand why I was hesitant to say what was so obvious now. And she couldn’t know that. Not yet. There will come a day and a time when hopefully I’ll be able to tell her everything. Without the fear of insecurity. Without the fear of inferiority. And I’ll wait for that day to come. However long it took. I’ll wait Anjali-I’ll wait for you. Forever.

“What are you afraid of Rahul?” she asked me.

“Of losing you,” I answered honestly.

“You wont’,” she replied. “You won’t lose me Rahul. Not if you tell me what you feel. What you really feel.”

She was trying to get it out of me. Trying to get me to tell her my feelings for her. But she had been right that night. That I wasn’t ready to say those words yet. And I wouldn’t say them unless I was ready. I didn’t want to hurt her anymore.

“Anjali,” I said. “I want us to be friends forever. I don’t want to lose your friendship ever again. It’s too important to me. And that’s how I truly feel.”

She sighed. She knew that this wasn’t the truth. She knew that I was lying. She knew that I loved her. But she didn’t want to force me anymore. And I was really thankful for that.

“Alright Rahul,” she said keeping her hand on mine. “If that’s what you want to say. I’ll wait Rahul. I’ll wait. I’ll wait till you feel you are ready.”

“Friends?”

“Yup, friends.”

“Just friends?”

“Yes…just friends.”

“What are you? Some diabolical creature from another planet?”

“Why?”

“Because, Rahul Agrawal,” Sheetal said giving me this horrible ‘you are an idiot’ look, “you just don’t tell the girl who hasn’t slept for 48 hours for your sake that you are just friends. Not the girl who on seeing you conscious for the first time in 2 days just comes rushing and hugs you and then starts apologizing like it was her fault. Not the girl who asks you what are you afraid of and asks you to tell her what you really feel. You don’t tell her she’s the only friend who’s really seen past the barrier. You tell her you love her and that you want to spend the rest of your life with her.” 

“I will,” I replied. “But when the time comes.”

“Oh Jesus!’ she said throwing away her hands in frustration. “That girl didn’t sleep for 48 hours for your sake Rahul. Do you understand what that even means? And not because she was actually trying her best not to sleep. But because she actually couldn’t sleep. Not with you lying unconscious on that hospital bed. And you tell her that she’s the only person that you ever cared for. Jesus, if there ever was a clichéd line that Bollywood heroes love to use-then that was it.”

“I know,” I said , trying to convince her. “But I just feel I am not ready for that sort of commitment yet.”

“Ok, Rahul-if you are expecting that there will be some big sign from the heavens flashing that you are now ready for a serious commitment-then breaking news: it aren’t gonna happen.”

“I know that. And that’s not what I meant.” ..