She smiled at me, gave me a wink and went back in to her hostel

She was still standing when I reached frustration point. All by herself and apparently seemed to be just staring across the horizon. There was something definitely wrong with her. And I again had doubts whether this was the best moment to approach her. I didn’t want to spoil her mood any further than it already was. And I was pretty sure whatever she was going through right now, I wouldn’t be on top of her list of people she wanted to see. But then, I had promised myself that I would talk to her again, make her see reason and make her realize that I wasn’t all that bad. Yes, I had flaws but somehow I felt the urge to let this girl know that I wasn’t everything that they made me out to be. And so without thinking any further I went tp and stood next to her across the railing.

“Hey,” I said.

She turned around and looked at me. I saw her eyes, those same beautiful haunting eyes that I had seen a few nights ago at Thaloor’s and felt like drowning in them. The feelings hadn’t changed. I felt I could lose myself in the depth of those eyes any moment now. But they were moist today and a sadness reflected in them like a tree had just been cut but remained a silent spectator in its own death. It wanted to scream for pain but couldn’t. Her eyes reflected the same sadness as if she wanted to scream out in pain yet somehow she was helpless and she couldn’t.

“Oh,” she said, “it’s you.”

I smiled. “You do give me the best of welcomes now, don’t you?”

She looked at me. “I guess that’s because you deserve those best of welcomes,” she responded.

“Yeah, I guess I do,” looking straight at her.

She didn’t say anything for a while. She just turned back and looked straight ahead. I didn’t move either. I wanted to talk and I wasn’t going anywhere without at least trying.

After a few minutes she finally said, “What are you doing here anyways?”

There, she had finally asked me a question. I was making progress.

“Well actually,” I answered trying to give as smart a reply as possible, “I had a class right now and it was damn boring. Then I saw you standing here and I am like why don’t I go meet my best friend in the college. So well, I came down here just for you.”

She looked at me again as if she didn’t understand if I was joking or I actually meant those words. I didn’t either.

“Very impressive,” she finally said after a few moments. “I am so thankful you bunked a class just to know how I was doing.”

“You should be, I don’t honor too many people with such interest,” I replied in jest.

“Yeah, just the one’s whom you are trying to make your next conquest,” she replied.

“Ouch!” I said, holding my hand across my heart, “that hurt.”

She looked at my hand across my heart and said, “You can remove that hand. I don’t think a heart resides there. Or if it does, it doesn’t understand feelings.”

Now that one really did hurt. For a moment I felt really like slapping her for what she had said. How could se just make up her mind about me without even knowing me?

She then turned back to the railing. I didn’t say anything for I really didn’t know what to say now. I almost felt like ending the conversation and walking out of there.

A few moments later she banged her fists on the railing and said, “Guys are such jerks.”

I looked at her beautiful face and wondered how badly she had been hurt. The scars seemed to be irreplaceable at the moment. “Guys are Mohit,” I said.

“Him, you, all of you,” she said.

“You are making a huge accusation there,” I said.

“Yeah, well-prove me wrong.”

“Well, for one,” I said as I went about defending the honor of every boy out there, “you have had one bad experience and you say all guys are jerks. I have had six of them and I have never made any accusation towards girls saying all of them are bitches or anything.”

“Well, that’s because you were at fault in all six of them,” she said without batting an eyelid.

“I was partially at fault in all of them,” I said correcting her. “No relationship falls just because of one person. You can’t clap with one hand.”

“Of course it doesn’t,” she answered back, “after all if a girl can’t keep her boyfriend satisfied, she’s at fault. It’s her fault that he started cheating on her in the first place.”

Ok, that was it. What did this girl think of herself?

“First of all,” I said in total spite, “I never cheated on any of my girlfriends.”

“So they just dumped you for no reason?” she said, a hint of sarcasm in her tone.

“No,” I replied, “that’s not the point. There was a reason, yes. Maybe more than one reason. But I have never and I mean never cheated on any of my girlfriends.”

She looked at me wondering if I was actually telling the truth. She was looking into my eyes, searching the sincerity of my words in them. “So how come you have six failed relationships behind you? Got tired of them?”

I looked at her. Was she really so convinced that I had to be at fault come what may? Was this girl, who somehow seemed to have an invisible hold over me, my thoughts and slowly my life-was she not even, going to give me a chance to explain myself to her? Well, if she didn’t, then maybe I had been wasting my time all along.

“You know Anjali,” I said looking at her, “I maybe a lot of things and I am not going to deny them either, but I at least give others a chance to explain themselves for what they did, rather than hold them guilty without even knowing who they are.”

She seemed surprised at my outburst. She clearly didn’t expect me to have a go at her. She probably though I would just try to defend myself with silly excuses while she went on the attack and accused me being an inhuman brat. If I hadn’t got to her now, if I had again managed to wind her up the wrong way, then I knew I was never going to get to her ever again.

I looked at her again waiting for some sort of reaction. Maybe a few kind words, maybe another hurl of accusations of how big a jerk I am, anything, something. Yet, she didn’t say a word. She turned towards me for a while and then started looking straight again. I had no idea what that reaction meant but I knew I couldn’t say anything more than I had unless she did.

I finally decided to leave. I looked at her beautiful face one last time. How I wished she would say something. Something to hold me back. But she didn’t and so, turning back, I said, “goodbye then,” and started walking back to the college. She still didn’t say a word. I guess she had decided to ignore me completely now.

As I started walking away from frustration point, disappointed and hurt, I heard someone saying, “Can you walk me back to my hostel?” I immediately looked back to see Anjali still looking straight ahead. If she had said those words, then she would definitely have turned to ask for my answer. But she hadn’t. So I looked around to see if anyone else was there. But frustration point was empty. Barring me and Anjali, there was no one else. So had Anjali said that? And if she had then why hadn’t she turned back. Or maybe I was just hearing things now. Yeah, I was definitely hearing things. For why on earth would a girl who seemed to absolutely despise me all of a sudden ask me to walk her to the hostel? I hit myself lightly on the back of my head and started walking back again.

“So I take that as a no.” I turned again. Who had said that? Anjali was still looking straight ahead as if she hadn’t heard or said anything. So I was hearing things a second time now? ‘No, it couldn’t be’, I thought to myself. I definitely heard those words. But then no one else was here and the chances of Anjali saying those words to me were as feeble as the dinosaurs coming back from extinction. Yet, wanting a confirmation, I asked Anjlai, “Ummmm….did you say anything?

She turned, those beautiful eyes haunting me all over again and I felt like I was slowly going to sink in them. ‘Help,’ I heard a voice at the back of my mind. “Well, as a matter of fact, I did,” she said looking straight at me and resting her arms over the railings. “You…you…you did?” I asked. Hadn’t I already asked that question? And why was I hesitating? And why did I feel a knot in my throat making me unable to speak? Was I nervous? Oh my God, I was nervous. Shit, I was getting nervous speaking to a girl. But I had never felt nervous while speaking to a girl before. Come on Rahul, don’t be a sissy. Don’t be Virat for God’s sake.

“Yes,” my feeble ears heard Anjali say. “I asked you if you would mind walking me back to the hostel.”

For an initial few seconds I didn’t even react. I was too dumbfounded to speak anything. It was like the insides of me were squirming and there was a huge monster in my stomach waiting to gobble me up. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity of silence, I managed to say, “Sh…shu….sure.”

‘Stop stammering you idiot,’ I though to myself. It’s not like you are speaking to a girl for the first time. ‘Well, it’s the first time the girl you love is speaking nicely to you,’ a voice inside my head replied. ‘I am not in love with her,’ I told the voice. ‘Yeah, sure, keep denying it. But you know and I both know that you are in love with her and you can’t lie to me,’ that voice inside my head said.

Somewhere far ahead, I heard Anjali say, “Are you sure? Don’t you have a class or anything?”

I ignored the voice coming from inside my head and answered Anjali. “Ummm…nope. Classes over for the day.”

“So you had just two classes today?” Anjali asked me.

Shit! Damn-I Forgot. I was in my 2nd class when I ran from the classroom. ‘It’s ok,’ I heard the voice again, ‘everyone starts stuttering and saying stupid things to people they love.’ ‘I don’t love her,’ I insisted to the voice.

I looked up again. Anjali looked expectantly, waiting for an answer. “Ummm…yeah, it was a half day, so just four classes and out of that two got cancelled,” I lied. I had a full day today. Four theory classes in the morning and a lab in the afternoon from two to five. ‘But when it comes to the girl you love, lying is alright.’ The voice was back again. ‘I don’t love her,’ I again insisted. ‘Yeah, yeah….whatever.’

“Oh….ok!” That was Anjali. “Thanks then, I could use some company.”

“Ummm…yeah…sure…no probs!” I replied back the monster inside my stomach growing bigger and bigger.

“As a matter of fact, I could use some company too.”

‘Oh yeah sure, you could use some company,’ the voice said. ‘Shut up!’ I told the voice. Anjali started walking back to the hostel, passing by the college building and I caught up with her to fall in line with her. The voice inside my head continued. ‘Yeah, walk with her, groove with her, yeah….yeah.’

‘Will you shut up?’ I told the damn voice. Anjali and me were walking in line and as we crossed the college building I realized I hadn’t said a word since I had accused her of not hearing me out. ‘I should say something,’ I thought to myself. ‘Say something Rahul, say something….because if you don’t say anything now then this might be the last walk you are going to have with her. But what? What could I say?’

‘Say I Love You.’ It was the voice again.

‘Shut up!’ I told the voice for the third time.

‘Come on,’ the voice said, ‘you know it. Look at her beautiful eyes, her long black hair and her perfectly carved features. You love her and you know it.’

“You know you sound a lot like Virat,” I told the voice.

“Huh! What?” That was Anjali. ‘Shit!’ I though to myself. I had told that aloud. ‘He he he,’ I heard that damn voice say.

“You know you sound a lot like Virat,” I told the voice.

“Huh! What?” That was Anjali. ‘Shit!’ I though to myself. I had told that aloud. ‘He he he,’ I heard that damn voice say.

Now what do I do? I had just told Anjali that she sounded like Virat and now she was looking at me, waiting for an answer. If I told her that I wasn’t talking to her but to the wind, then this probably would be my last walk with her. ‘Recover, recover quickly,’ I told myself.

“Ummm….I said…you sound like Virat,” I finally managed to say. ‘What was that you idiot?’ the voice asked. ‘You are supposed to make up something else, not repeat the blunder you just committed.’

“Who’s Virat?” Anjali asked.

“He’s my room mate and my best friend,” I replied hoping she would forget that I had told her that she sounded like Virat.

But things are never that simple. ‘Not when you are talking to the girl you love,’ the voice remarked. “So I sound like Virat?” Anjali repeated. “A guy,” she added for effect.

Yup, there. That was it. She was never going to speak to you again, let alone walk with you.

“Ummm….yeah,” I said trying to save my face anyway you could. “You know, your tone sounds a bit like him”

“My tone,” she repeated. ‘Just tell me I am a jerk and to get lost. I think that would ensure I don’t embarrass myself further,’ I thought to myself.

“So you think my tone sounds like your room mate?” she asked again.

“Ummm…yup,” I responded. “A little bit.” God! Kill me, please kill me. Someone just kill me and end this misery.

‘I would but then I am just a voice inside your head,’ the voice said. Oh how I wish I could kill it. ‘You can’t,’ the voice replied obviously aware of my thoughts.

“Hmmm….I guess I’ll come to know when I meet this Virat,” Anjali said.

“Hmmmm….yeah,” I replied hoping that she wouldn’t discuss this topic any further. If she did, in all probability, I would die of embarrassment.

Luckily that was the end of the topic ‘Anjali sounded like Virat.’ ‘Anjali, the girl you love, sounded like Virat, your room mate,’ the voice said probably correcting me. ‘Shut up,’ I said for the umpteenth time.

We continued walking. For a while, we didn’t say anything. Yet somehow I had never felt more comfortable in silence than now. I felt as if we could keep on walking without saying a word and yet I wouldn’t care for all I wanted to do was to keep walking with her by my side. For the rest of my life. ‘I told you that you were in love with her.’ The voice was back. ‘Please,’ I told the voice, ‘can you like just be silent till I am with her.’ ‘What’s the fun in that?’ the voice remarked. ‘Please, it’s a request,’ I pleaded. ‘Oh! Alright. But it’s pretty boring in here I tell you.’

“So what’s your story?” That was Anjali.

“What do you mean?” I asked not exactly sure what she meant.

She turned towards me and said, “I meant, you have this huge history, right? How many girlfriends have you had? Six, right? And if they didn’t break up with you because you were cheating on them, then there must be another reason right. Or reasons as you said at frustu. There muse be something you are looking for. For unless a man is mentally unstable, I have no idea why he would be having six break-ups when’s he’s just 20. So what are you looking for?”

I looked at her beautiful face again. How is it that among all the friends that I had ever made, I had never felt as comfortable with them as I did with her? How could she understand me so perfectly well without even really knowing me? Some things even God couldn’t explain.

“The same thing that everyone else is looking for,” I replied.

“And what’s that?” she asked.

“Love,” I replied. Wasn’t that obvious?

“Aaaah!” Anjali remarked. “And so all those previous conquest of yours were actually a part of your quest to find love.”

Man! Could this girl really hit you where it hurts.

“When I was young,” I began, “my mom used to tell me a lot about love. About how love was the only thing that sustained this world. That the one thing that can change the heart of the biggest of tyrants was love. That come what may, in the end, love always and I mean always triumphs.”

I turned to look at her. She seemed to be lost, engrossed in my words. I smiled at her, a smile which said a lot and yet said nothing. Then I continued.“When I used to go to sleep she would narrate me the stories of the people she knew and had fallen in love. I used to listen to them and think how wonderful it would be to find the happiness that love gives you. That beyond everything in this world, if I could ever find love like that, the love that my parents shared, then I would be the luckiest person in the world. When, in the night, I used to be scared that something bad would happen, that a bed monster might eat me up or I would wake up from a nightmare crying, she would come to me, hold me in her arms for a while and then would put me back on the bed. I would tell her that I didn’t want to go back to bed because I was scared and she would say, “Nothing will happen to you.” Then she would put this imaginary blanket over me and tell me, “The blanket of love is covering you from all the evil things in the world,” and I would go back to sleep knowing that nothing could touch me as long as I was covered with that blanket of love.”

I glanced at Anjali again. “Wow! She said, “Your mom sounds like a wonderful woman.”

“She was,” I replied. “But then when I was eight, my parents divorced. Not because they fell out of love but because my dad fell in love with someone else.”

“Oh! I am sorry,” Anjali remarked.

“Don’t be,” I told her. “I still talk to my dad. We share a very healthy relationship. But yes, everything changed after that. My mom never talked about how powerful love was again. I guess her belief in the power of love had gone. I would sleep in the night, restless and scared, but I never cried or told my mom anything because I knew that she was scared too. That her blanket of love was gone. Then one day I heard her crying in her room. So I asked her if she was crying because of dad. She told me no, that it wasn’t because of dad. But then she cried again. And I knew it was because of dad. So I went up to her and asked her if her dad had taken away her blanket of love with him.

My mom looked at me and then picking me up in her arms said, “Sweetheart, no one can ever take away your blanket of love but yourself. Only you can ever let it go. And only you can share it with someone else. And let me tell you a secret, if you share that blanket of love with someone else, then that blanket of love becomes even more powerful. And the reason why I am crying is because I don't anyone to share that blanket of love with anymore.” I told her that I would share the blanket with her and she kissed me on the forehead and said, "Thank you sweetheart. I love you. And hopefully one day you will really find a person whom you can share his blanket with."

I grew up yet that blanket of love stayed with me. And ever since then I am looking for my own blanket of love. And the person whom I can share it with.”

I finished my story, a story that I hadn’t revisited in years. And it was the first time I had ever told it to someone. I had never disclosed this part of my life to anyone, none of my ex-girlfriends and not even Virat or Sheetal. Yet somehow, today, in front of Anjali, in front of a girl I hardly knew, I had laid myself bare. For this was the part of my life that I had tried most to hide. Yet today I couldn’t help but revisit my childhood, those memories where my mother had suffered so much and yet had never ever let me know about it. Sometimes bravery is just not about how big a building you can jump from or how many you bullets you can tae on your chest for your country. Sometimes bravery is just about how you can deal with life when it seems to be at its lowest ebb. And that was why I believed there were few women braver than my mother. And that’s why I have always believed that women are way stronger than men. For even if their life is in ruins, they would never let any harm come to their family. They would never breakdown. While my dad was happily marrying my step-mother, no one knew the emotional hell that my mother was going through. Yet she took care of me and never let it affect me. She also never let her personal bitterness against my dad come in between me and dad. She never stopped me from seeing him and even though the court had allowed my dad to visit me only on weekends, she would never stop me from visiting dad whenever I wanted to. Sometimes dad would pay a surprise visit and ask to take me out and my mom never stopped him. I guess she knew how important a father was in a child’s life. And she gave my upbringing a much higher precedence over her own personal feelings. That’s why she was the bravest woman I knew and perhaps will ever know

We reached the gates of her hostel. After I had finished telling her about my childhood, we hadn’t said a word. She didn’t say wow or I am sorry and I was thankful for that. Words were not needed. Her silence had spoken enough. Her silence had given me what I had wanted-respect. We stood outside her hostel for a while, not saying a word. I didn’t want to say goodbye yet, I wanted to keep walking with her, looking at her beautiful face as long as I could. Yet I knew that for now at least I had to bid her goodbye.

“I guess this is it then,” I said in order to make the goodbye official.

“Well, yeah,” she said. “Thanks for walking me back to the hostel. I really enjoyed it,” she added.

I smiled. “Me too.”

“Well, good bye then, I’ll see you around,” she said and added a bit later, “I guess.”

“Yeah, hope to see you around,” I said and turned to walk back to the hostel. When I had moved forward a few steps, she called my name, stopping me in the tracks. “Rahul,” she said. I turned back to face her. “Ummm….I am sorry about the other day, I mean days actually.”

“Sorry about what?” I asked even though I fully knew what she was referring to. It was fun to see that sheepish smile on her face.

“Ummm…for shouting at you when I first met you and for throwing the water on your face the other day,” she said almost ashamed.

“Hehe,” I replied, “it’s alright. I was a jerk that time,” I winked at her and started walking back.

‘An apology in your third meeting. Not bad Rahul, not bad at all,’ I thought to myself and then as I was walking down the road at Kamath Circle, I jumped up and did a little jig.

“And you dance pretty well too,” I heard a voice say. I looked back and I saw Anjali still standing at her hostel gates, giving me a grin. ‘Shit!’ I thought to myself. ‘She saw it.’ I stood there, smiling sheepishly at her and ruffling my hair at the back. She smiled at me, gave me a wink and went back in to her hostel.