Don’t lose yourself Rahul dont loose

I roved my hands over her cheeks again. She closed her eyes once more as she felt the touch of my hands on her soft cheeks and we both felt the goose bumps of our skin touching each other. I steadily moved my hands over her face as she waited for me to make the first move, for our lips to touch and admit what we had known for so long. Somewhere in the background a figure moved, bending down but looking oblivious to us. I looked towards the figure to make out who it was but was unable to recognize him in the darkness. I looked back at Anjali and saw that she was still waiting. But somehow in that solitary lapse of concentration, the moment had been lost. The thousand doubts that had crept up my mind ever since that day outside DT came back to haunt me again.

‘Don’t lose yourself Rahul,’ I thought to myself. ‘Don’t do something in a rush of blood that you might regret later.’ But looking at that face, at that epitome of beauty it was so hard to resist the allure of indulging myself for what I had spoken just now was the truth and if I kissed her now, which she was still expecting with her eyes closed and waiting for me, then that too would be nothing but a confirmation of how we felt. Yet somehow my insecurity got to me once again.

Somewhere in the background a burst of firecrackers went off. As the missiles of firecrackers when into the air and exploded, Anjali opened her eyes to see me smiling at her. “Look back,” I said. She turned back to see the firecrackers still bursting one after another, unable to understand what was happening before the firecrackers that had been bursting in the open sky started forming alphabets. She slowly realized what was happening as each burst of the fire cracker joined into shape up another alphabet. As the words ‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY’ formed in the sky, Anjali looked back at me, gaping open mouthed, astounded at the gravity of the extent to which I had gone to celebrate her birthday. “It’s not over yet,” I simply said giving her another simple smile. She turned back to watch the firecrackers. Slowly an ‘A’ formed right below the two P’s of HAPPY. Steadily the crackers burst once again forming an N next to the A. Anjali once again turned back to look at me. I simply smiled. She turned back looking at the open sky as the firecrackers continued bursting and forming alphabets. Soon the words ‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANJALI’ could be spelled out in the sky. As the words formed in the sky, the firecrackers continued to burst a few minutes after that before finally stopping. Anjali was still staring at her name in the sky, open-mouthed. I walked up to her and standing next to her said, “Happy Birthday Anjali.” Anjali turned to look at me, her expression that of surprise and shock yet her eyes were almost in tears. As I once again smiled at her look of shock and awe, she rushed at me and taking me by surprise embraced me in her arms. I slowly put my arms around her and embraced her back. “Thank you Rahul,” she said still embracing me. I replied a simple, “my pleasure,” not wanting to let go of her.

She slowly released me although I wish I could have held on to her forever. She looked at me as if probing the reason behind this. “Why?” she asked me.

“I just told you why,” I replied.

“No Rahul,” she said looking at me. “Why?”

‘I did tell you Anjali,’ I thought to myself. ‘Just a few moments ago. But if you didn’t understand it, then I guess I’ll have to tell you again.’

“Do you really want to know?” I asked her.

“Yes,” she replied slowly.

“Because,” I said looking at her and then all of a sudden remembering a situation from an old Hindi movie that I had been forced to watch on TV with my mom because there was nothing else to do, I started to sing, “Pal bhar ke liye koi hamein pyaar karle…Jhoota hi sahi!”

She looked at me with a bewildered expression on her face before pushing me off. “Mere Yaar Ki Shaadi Hai,” she said.

“Yeah-one sad movie,” I replied teasing her.

“Sad to people who don’t understand love,” Anjali said.

“Or to people who usually have better things to do than watch mushy love triangles,” I responded to her accusation.

“Ok fine,” she said giving up. “You don’t want to tell me, then don’t tell me. But just remember I am not going to be waiting for your answer forever.”

“I seem to be getting that a lot,” I replied thoughtfully after a while.

We both didn’t speak for a while after that wondering what we had just said to each other and yet hadn’t said. Then trying to move past the awkwardness of the moment I hastily looked away from her and said, “Anyways mademoiselle, your special birthday celebrations have just begun.”

“Yeah, the firecrackers were quite a start,” she said.

“Yes,” I replied. “But they were just the start.”

“Alright then,” she said. “What other surprised do you have in store?”

I looked in her direction but then dismissed the sighting as nonchalantly as I could. “Ahaaaaa,” I said simply.

“You don’t see it?” she asked.

“I do,” I replied.

“And you don’t notice anything odd about it?” she continued to probe further.

“Well-yeah…a bit,” I said trying to dismiss the oddness about the situation as quickly as possible.

“A bit?” Anjali exclaimed. “There’s a table and 2 chairs set up with a candle flickering on it, in the middle of KMC Greens at 1:30 in the night. And you find that as a bit odd?”

“Well-it is odd,” I admitted slowly.

“Honestly Rahul-who on earth thought of this plan?” she said keeping her hand on my shoulder.

I didn’t dare look at her. She kept wondering for a few minutes that why would anyone take such a step and if someone indeed took the pains of doing all this-then where were they now.

“Have to admit though,” Anjali said a few minutes later. “It is quite romantic.” 

Again I didn’t open my mouth. I stood over there, silent as a hill, with her hand still resting on my shoulders and waiting for her to realize what was happening on her own. She slowly turned towards me, her face a concoction of shock and awe as it deemed on her that it was I who had taken the pain to set up a dinner for two plans in the middle of the night at KMC Greens. Complete with candle light.

“Rahul?” she said looking at me.

“Yes,” I said while continuing to look straight.

“Did you…?” she slowly asked me. I turned towards her, looking into her eyes and without saying a word she knew it was me.

“Oh my God!” she exclaimed. “Rahul…how on earth…how did you…and why…oh My God!” she gasped.

“Ssssshhhhhh,” I said keeping a finger on her lips. “It doesn’t matter how I did it,” I said as she continued to stare at me in complete shock. “It matters that I did

“But Rahul,” she said as she got over the initial shock of the incident, “you didn’t have to.”

“I know I didn’t have to,” I said smiling at her. “But I wanted to.”

Her lips slowly curled into a smile as she understood. “Thanks,” she whispered after a while.

“Welcome,” I replied smiling back at her.

We continued to stare at that lone table in the middle of KMC Greens for a while, symbolic of so many things and yet confirming none. 

“Shall we?” I asked extending my hand for her, smiling at her all the while. She looked at the hand and without any further hesitation kept her hand in mine and slowly started walking with me. I lead her to our dining table for the night, her hand inter twined in mine as she walked with me, side by side, our hands almost invisible in the space between us.

When we reached the round dining table for two, I withdrew one of the chairs for her to sit. “Thanks,” she said as I slowly took her hand around the chair allowing her to sit. I replied with just a smile. Then I went on the other side of the table and took the other chair for myself. The candle continued to flicker in the open sky lighting our faces with the shallowest of flames. She looked even more beautiful under the glow of that candle light flame.

“What’s on the menu?” she asked once we were seated. 

As if on cue, Aarav turned up complete in formal black pant and a white shirt with a bow tie as if working as a waiter at a 5-star hotel. “Good evening maam,” he said looking at Anjali. “Sir!” he addressed me. “What would you like to have for tonight?”

“Wow!” Anjali said looking turn by turn at Aarav and me. “I must say, I am impressed.”

“Thank you maam,” Aarav said. “We are hoping that you enjoy dining here tonight. Based on your recommendation, we are planning to quit engineering and open a restaurant instead. And 50% off for couples celebrating a birthday.” 

Aarav said it with such a straight face that Anjali couldn’t help but break out laughing. “Don’t worry then,” she said in bursts of laughter. “I am sure I’ll enjoy the food so much that I’ll make you quite engineering and open a restaurant.”

“Thank you maam,” Aarav said bowing down. “We would be really glad if you gave us such an opportunity.”

Anjali laughed again. Seeing her laugh like that I couldn’t help but smile. It was after all the most natural of reactions.

“So where is the menu card?” she asked after a while.

Aarav looked at me for an answer. Anjali turned to me as well. “Ummm..” I said looking at Anjali. “The menu’s kind of fixed today.”

“Fixed?” Anjali said puzzled. “Hmmm…so then I guess I don’t have much of a say do I?” she continued. “Well then,” she said looking at Aarav, “might as well bring what you have.”

“Yes maam,” Aarav said bowing down once again as he left.

“So what’s on the menu?” Anjali asked once Aarav had left.

“It’s a surprise Anjali,” I replied almost statically.

“Yeah, I know,” Anjali said. “But still-I can’t help asking.”

“I know,” I said winking at her.

Aarav came back with a tray in his hand which had two empty glasses and a bottle of wine on it. He laid the tray on the table, its contents taking Anjali completely by surprise. 

“Wine?” she said looking at the bottle. “And that too French?” she continued as she started at me wide eyed.

“Some one’s going high class.”

“Yes maam,” Aarav replied to Anjali’s comments as he uncorked the bottle of wine. “It is not just another wine that I pour in these glasses,” he said as he poured the wine into the classes. “Nothing short of the best maam,” he said as he lifted the bottle of wine again and brought it closer to Anjali so that she could have a look. “It is the 2000 vintage Chateau Margaux wine straight from the vineyards of Bordeaux. One of the finest wines you will ever taste maam,” he said as he placed the glasses now with wine in them in front of us.

He then quietly picked up the tray, leaving the bottle of wine on the table itself and left.

“2000 vintage Chateau Margaux?” Anjali said completely bewildered. “When did you become so interested in wines?”

“Since I found out that you were interested in them,” I said holding the glass of wine in my hand.

As I raised the glass in my hand, I smiled at her and she followed suit, holding the glass and raising it as well. The candle continued to flicker under the open sky and the color of the wine turned even more intoxicating when viewed through the burning flame. “Cheers,” I whispered looking at her. “Cheers,” she replied as we clashed our glasses slightly against the other as if our lips were meeting for the first time and slowly, our eyes still locked together, we raised the glass to our lips as if the brim of the my glass were actually her lips and kissing them almost ever so slightly I drank from it. 

The wine tasted so much better with her in front of me. It was like I was drinking from her lips, that her red sari was making the color of the wine an even more darker shade of red and more intoxicating than it actually was.

I looked at her, her smiling face as she soaked in the surroundings of this once in a life time birthday. “You ever had a secret fantasy?” Anjali asked me taking me by surprise as I was too busy just staring at her.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“You know-a secret fantasy. Something that you had always dreamt of and hoped one day would come true,” she said matter of factly.

“Ummm….,” I said thinking if I ever had such a fantasy. “No, not really,” I concluded after a while.

“Did you?” I asked.

She brought her face closer to me and whispered, “yes,” gleefully. It was almost as if she the child inside her was coming out, waiting to admit something that she hadn’t shared with anyone like a 5 year old confesses for the first time that she had stolen candy.

Just then Aarav once again announced again announced his presence. Smiling gleefully, although his glee was for an altogether different reason, he said, “should I bring the starters now maam?”

Anjali looked at me for a few seconds and the laughing said, “Sure. 2 AM is as good as any to have a 3 course meal.”

Aarav didn’t reply to Anjali’s comment and smiling again said, “That would be perfect maam. Starters will be here in a moment.”

“Seriously Rahul,” Anjali said. “Wine was one thing-but dinner? At this time?”

“Well, I always feel hungry by this time,” I answered her in jest

“Oh! So this whole plan is to satisfy your mid night hunger is it?” she said mocking me.

“Yup, you caught me.” 

“Well, the way you have set it up so far Rahul,” Anjali said over riding the awkwardness and picking up a piece of methi thepla, “I just can’t wait for the main course.”

“Neither can I,” I said digging into the spring rolls. “Damn hungry today.”

That was a lie. I wasn’t hungry. I didn’t care about the food as long as she loved it. I could have just kept watching her the whole night without eating a bit and I would be the happiest person in the world. Yet pretences had now become a part of my life.

“So you were talking about a fantasy,” I said chewing on the spring roll.

“Yes,” she replied as she took another sip of the wine.

“We girls-we have all these secret fantasies. Some very weird, some just regular and some well-very romantic.”

“I noticed,” I said smiling.

“And,” she said sighing. “I always had this one fantasy. This one wish of celebrating my birthday. I would dream about the boy I loved standing outside my window, throwing stones to wake me up. I would wake up, open the window in irritation and be completely surprised to see him standing under my window. I would ask him what he was doing there in the middle of the night and he would just smile and say ‘Happy Birthday.’ He would then help me climb down the window and would take me to this beautiful spot where only the beauty of nature dominated. He would lay out a cloth on the ground and we would sit there, under the moonlight and just spend the night talking. Oh-and he would have brought a basked which would contain my favorite wine and some food. And that’s how we would celebrate our birthday,” she said lifting the glass of wine again. “I must say Rahul, this comes pretty close to it. Thank you.”

“I am just glad you liked this Anjali,” was all I could say.

“There was no way any one wouldn’t like this Rahul. This undoubtedly a birthday that I could have only dreamt about,” she said looking straight at me.

“I know,” I replied. “I wanted this to be a birthday of your dreams.”

“You succeeded,” she answered.

“There was this another version of that dream though,” she said after a while

“Shoot,” I said finishing off the last bits of the methi thepla left on the plate.

“Well, after the picnic that my boyfriend takes me to, he takes me back to his house,” she started speaking. “And his house has a barn in it…like a farm house. What he does is that he hangs a piece of white cloth like a drape on the outside of the barn. He then arranges a projector from somewhere and we sit in his car or pick-up truck, whatever you may want to call it and watch a movie for the rest of the night complete with popcorn and Pepsi like one of those drive-in movies they have in the smaller towns of USA.”

“Wow, you really do have expensive dreams, do you know that I said?” teasing her.

“Oh shutup!” she said irritated. “They are not expensive, they are romantic.”

“Oh sure. Imagine a farmer being able to afford a projector,” I said.

“Why a farmer?” she questioned.

“Why a farmer?” I said astonished. “Because who else would have a bran near their house!”

“Oh…ok,” she said as if it had dawned on her the first time.

“Still, it’s romantic,” she insisted after a while.

“Romantic and one would that lead your boyfriend to bankruptcy,” I said teasing her again.

“Shut up!” she said again. “He can take the projector on rent if he can’t afford one.”

“There’s no arguing with you, is there?” I said as I broke out in laughter at her obscure suggestion.

“No there isn’t,” she said flinging her hands across the table and hitting me. “And where is the main course? We are done with the starters.”

“Hmmm…” I said looking around. “I have been wondering the same thing.”

Again as if on cue, Aarav reappeared. “Main course is right here sir and madame,” he said using a heavy French accent on the ‘madame.’ Rishabh and appeared behind him carrying two trays again. “Looks like a heavy meal,” Anjali commented looking at the trays.

“Well madame,” Aarav answered Anjali. “We want nothing but full satisfaction for our customers.”

“And heavy tips for our waiters,” Virat chipped in.

Anjali laughed at Virat’s arbitrary comment. “Don’t worry,” she said looking at me. “I am sure he will tip you handsomely.”

“Oh yeah, sure,” Virat said sarcastically.

“Ahem,” Aarav said looking at Virat. “Mind serving our customers please?”

Virat didn’t say a word as he and Rishabh laid down the trays on the table. Rishabh put a plate in front of Anjali. “SOUPY RICE.,” Aarav said indicating at the plate in front of Anjali.

Anjali once again couldn’t believe her eyes. Rishabh then laid out a rectangular palate and a bowl on the table. “SOUPY RICE,” “Well,” he said once everything was laid out. “Dig in.”

Aarav, Virat and Rishabh slowly left the place

“All my favorites,” Anjali said looking at me. “How on earth did you manage this”

“What was that dialogue from Om Shanti Om” I said with a straight face.

“What” she asked.

“Oh yeah,” I said recalling. “Itni shiddat se tumhe pane ki koshish ki hai…ke har zarre ne mujhe tumse milaane ki saazish ki.”

“Alright Shahrukh Khan,” Anjali hit me again as I laughed at my own line. “Seriously-how did you plan all this”

“Well,” I said after I had stopped laughing. “It wasn’t easy and some serious connections had to be found but in the end it was all worth it.”

“Wow!” Anjali exclaimed for the umpteenth time tonight. “Thought one question remains unanswered,” she said now looking directly at me. “And for once Rahul, for once-just give me an honest answer. A plain and simple honest answer without any complications and any puzzles.”

“I will try to,” I responded, a bit apprehended by the sudden turn of events to serious talk.

“Why” is all she asked and she didn’t need to say anything further. The question was obvious and the answer perhaps even more so. I thought for a few moments on how best to reply before finally answering, “Alright Anjali-I’ll be honest with you.”

“Good,” Anjali said.

“That night at DT,” I began referring to that fateful night when Anjali had almost left me before a bottle had crashed against my head, “when that bottle crashed on my head-I felt my world falling apart. That night as I fell down on my knees and felt my own blood, I was so scared…I was so terrified…of losing you. And in that moment I realized what you meant to me…what you had really brought into my life. Then I saw you, running towards me, to help me, just moments after you had said that you would never see me again and I promised myself that if I could just get up, walk over to you and tell you how much I need you, how much I want you…then nothing else matters. It was all I needed. All I wanted. And all this that I have done tonight is nothing but an appreciation, a thank you for being a part of my life and giving me a reason to live on, to push on and let me believe that come what may-life indeed is beautiful. As long as it has you.”

For a few moments she didn’t say a word or even move or even blink her eyes. She continued to stare at me, staring into my eyes, tears forming in her own eyes as she tried to let the meaning of my words sink in. She then slowly raised her hands from the table and kept it on mine. She pressed my hands with hers and I smiled to let her know how thankful I was for this little gesture. She smiled back yet the moment still seemed too solemn for words. Nothing had to be spoken. Not yet.

As I saw her hand on mine, felt their warmth, I suddenly realized that perhaps now, if ever, was the time to say it all. To confess what had been brewing for so long between us. To speak those 3 words that I had held back ever since I had met her for the fear that I might no be good enough for her. Today, saying what I had said, I realized that I was not the old Rahul anymore. I wasn’t that incorrigible flirt if I ever had been one. I realized that the emotions that I felt now, their depth far surpassed what I had ever felt before. And if I didn’t tell her those final 3 word to complete the puzzle, to let her know what exactly she meant to me, then I might not get another opportunity like this again. The moment had come for me to confess and come clean. The moment had come where my fate no longer depended on me-but on hers.

Then the silence between us was pierced by the sound of a Hindi song playing somewhere in the back ground. “Lamha Lamha doori jo pighalti hai…Jaane kis aag se who shabnam jalti hai,” the sky seemed to speak. It was Anjali’s caller tune and somehow in that moment I realized how apt that song was for Anjali. After what she had gone through with Mohit Bansal and how our relationship had fazed out in the past few months, that song perhaps best defined Anjali and at the moment my relationship with her.... 

cntued...